This is for my DAY 10 post, which is a FREE DAY post, where I can write any topic I choose. To be honest, I was thinking whether to skip this because I’m at a lost what to write… that is, until this afternoon’s conversation with a colleague happened.
As I’ve mentioned in one of my posts, me and two of my colleagues at work usually go to the mall for our lunch break, and after lunch, while going back to the clinic, one of them suddenly blurted out “tinatamad na akong mabuhay” (rough translation: “I’m getting tired of living”). Before any of you think of anything, I’m making it clear that she is perfectly fine and definitely not suicidal or depressed. What makes me sure? Because I, a number of times, have thought the same thing — I have felt disheartened in living.
Happiness is fleeting and nothing seems to be happening. That is what my life is right now. It is a monotonous cycle — I wake up, go to work, eat, go back home,sleep… and then it goes on and on. There are moments where I go out to have a little fun with friends just so I could break the boring cycle, but at the end of the day, I go back home and find myself having the same feeling. Like whatever fun I had didn’t happen. It was only for a moment. It didn’t last.
Sometimes I try to understand if maybe I’m just living at the wrong place or maybe I’m chummy with the wrong people, but I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.
Suddenly I remember Veronika, the protagonist in Paulo Coelho’s novel “Veronika Decides to Die”. A beautiful, young woman who appears to have the perfect life, but then decides to commit suicide, because life for her has lost that spark. She was bored with living.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’ll emulate her example. I still believe in the wrongness of taking one’s own life and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do that. However, I do sympathize with Veronika’s sentiments about her life.
….everything in her life was the same and, once her youth was gone, it would be downhill all the way, with old age beginning to leave irreversible marks, the onset of illness, the departure of friends. She would gain nothing by continuing to live; indeed, the likelihood of suffering only increased.
Anyway, it’s good to be able to put this thought in writing. I can’t remember how many times I’ve told my cousin how I find my life to be so tiring.