This year made me emotionally-drained. I am exhausted with all that was going on and what’s not going on around me. I feel like I’m one of those zombies in the movie Warm Bodies, who wanders mindlessly around an airport. I’m like “R”, who even with his own thoughts, still feels quite jaded. A numb and trying to go with the flow zombie.
This sudden epiphany is like a bucket of ice cold water on my person. How could I have lost my zest for life? How could that happen?
I need to get away! I need to get back that zeal I know I have and which, God knows when, has left me.
I want this dull day and this monotonous week to end. Heck! I want the year to end already! This year sucks and it sucked the life out of me!
I want a new beginning. A fresh start.
I want to go home…
On a related note, I’m sharing this song, which is an old favorite of mine, by Hole.
I’ve been keeping to myself lately.
It’s hard because even if I’m used to bottling up my feelings, there are moments when you just want release from it all. Sharing your thoughts and emotions is somewhat of a therapy for me, but only if I’m able to share it to the best of people that I know. If there’s anything I learned and learning still, is that not all I consider friends are friends who really cares. Some are just there because they have no choice, and some are there because they need you and you also need them. It’s rarely do you meet someone who would listen to you without judgment and would tell you straight when you’re doing something wrong. Makes me miss my friends back at home. Friends who I can talk to seriously, would really care what I say and would give the best advice they could.
Right now it scares me to share my feelings. I’m afraid that I would share them to people who doesn’t really give a damn and only wants to know because they just want something to gossip about. If it happens to be the latter… I would probably retreat to my own world again. I think my foot’s almost at its doorway…
“These days I just try to keep to myself, well aware I’ve lost touch with everyone else. I understand that I’m fading away.” — Anonymous
Ever experience a moment when you’re just feeling under the weather, and while you feel so cheerless inside, you still go on with your everyday life feigning that the feeling isn’t there?
Suddenly, someone rubs you the wrong way, and normally you wouldn’t even make a big fuss out of it, but you did
make a big fuss out of it and you end being called too sensitive, and you cry and try to stifle your sobs, but the effin’ tears just won’t stop!
Then you feel that you badly needed someone to talk to, so you check you phone’s list of contacts, your Facebook friends list, and even anyone you know who are in close vicinity of your place, yet there’s no one… no one you want to bother with your bothersome feelings, no one you suppose could help make the bad emotions go away.
So you write it. In a diary? On an online blog? Who really cares? You just write it down and you pour your emotions out. Then while doing that you realize and ask yourself “Why not talk to Him?”, and you wanted to, you wanted to so badly. You made a silent prayer and showed Him the true depths of your heart.
But then, it wasn’t enough. You want someone who can speak to you back. Who can tell you exactly what to do, because you are just one emotional train wreck right now, and everything doesn’t seem right to you anymore. Everything is black and gray, and whatever colors left is slowly fading.
Yesterday I was sad, and I can’t imagine why.
This feeling of sorrow, oh, how I cried.
Then I woke up today and realized.
That what I felt was just me missing you by my side.
Oh! How I cried. 😦
Why do you cry?
Is it because you’re in pain?
Is it physical pain?
Or not in that way?
Does your pain hurt your eyes from cryin’?
Does it cause migraine from too much thinkin’?
Does it slowly breaks your heart and makes you feel like dyin’?
One day your body will be drained of its energy.
You will feel nothing and yet find it a blessing.
You will welcome it…
You will embrace it…
And there would be nothing but an empty shell of you.